What's up, it's John Crestani here, and I'm going to be talking about some mistakes to avoid when getting married. I got divorced a few years ago, I'm remarried now, but I'm going to focus this on financial decisions and stuff, but also share some things from my own experience. So let's go. Number one is, you know, what a mistake to avoid is avoiding the money talk, you know, avoiding talking about what are you and your partners, you know, kind of like financial goals, like income goals, and wealth goals, like, where are both of you going to feel satisfied and comfortable in terms of your personal wealth? Right, you know, like, you know, you know, some people might freak out, if they don't have at least $5 million in the bank, right? Some people might freak out, if they, you know, not care, you know, some people might freak out, if they don't have at least $5,000 in emergency assets, you know, everybody's different, but you have to understand your partner's goals there and also income, you know, what is what is the goal that you both are aiming to get towards? And, you know, what is the reality, right, because you need to know how much you need saved and how much you need to make, it's really important to figure out, you know, how often you're going on vacation or what, how you really make decisions around money, because, of course, one person in the relationship is going to be earning more than the other person, you know, and like, 99.9% of cases.
Another mistake to avoid is heated arguments in general, you know, a lot of people argue about money saying I want, you know, I really want this, I deserve it, you know, is what a lot of these millennials say, I deserve that, you know, but uh, you know, the reality is, you know, arguing about finances and stuff, it's better to cool off, you know, when you're in, like, an emotion, an emotional state, you're not thinking, right, your, your, your thought, rational thought is here, emotional thought when you're heated, when you're like, you know, your hearts, like, you know, like, I need to, you know, I need to convince my partner, I need this, or they shouldn't do this or whatever, right, then you're in your emotional brain. And that's not good. You know, so you got to, you got to cool off, you got to take a second and come back to the, you know, the discussion, when it's more of a discussion in a rational, you know, calm place and revisit that and that can be really hard in practice, because, you know, when somebody's like, you know, like, you shouldn't do that, or somebody's, like, I want this, you know, it's, there's a lot of emotions and usually, you know, both people, or at least one person wants to stay in there and say, No, let's discuss this now and it can get really difficult to peel yourself off of that, you know, emotional conversation. But the reality is, it's not a good place to, you know, have, you know, to, you know, to discuss anything, when you're sitting in your emotional brain.
Another mistake is keeping, like, you know, you know, financial secrets, you know, but I just say secrets, in general, are pretty bad, you know, whether it's, you know, you have, you know, taking sleeping pills at night, or, you know, whether you have a problem, you know, and you you slip those you try not to let your partner know, or whether it's, you know, you've been purchasing some some things that, you know, like, you've been making purchases that are too expensive, and not necessarily within the budget or whatever, right? That's also bad and can create problems down the road.
Number one, not having sex, like, don't get married, if you're not going to have sex, you know, and in Jewish culture, it's, it's, like, an obligation to have sex once a week. You know, whether you feel like it or not, whether you trust, you know, trust your partner or not, it's, it's an obligation. You know, it's part of the reason why people get married, if you're not going to be having sex, then don't be in a relationship. And in Jewish culture, if you don't have sex with your significant other for two to three weeks, you know, the rabbi actually will, you know, talk to you, or visit you know, visit you, or, you know, like, have a discussion to figure things out. It's like, it's that important for relationships and it's not, you know, you know, again, I'm, I'm gonna have a controversial opinion here. I, I warn John and click off this video if you don't, like listen to me or unsubscribe. Seriously, like, if you don't like hearing my opinions, you know, and if I trigger you please unsubscribe, but you know, it's very real. And so big promise society Elon Musk and me talking about, you know, people aren't having enough kids. And then like, this is the reason people don't feel like it or whatever. But that's, you know, that's part of marriage.
Fifth mistake, you know, from John, you know, so take it with a grain of salt is, you know, not agreeing on the number of kids you want, or at least the range or whatever that is, you know, both parties, you know, obviously, I've heard a lot of stories from women that were saying, oh, I want to have kids, but my partner doesn't, he just wants to, you know, do this thing or whatever, you know, not agreeing on kids. But even further, going further into that, you know, not agreeing on, you know, what each role is, you know, like, how involved each partner is going to be when the kids come around, I think, in modern-day America, you know, women assume that the dads are going to be like, you know, kind of helicopter dads and, you know, all that sort of stuff. And, you know, the dads, you know, assume that the woman's going to do a lot of the work, but I don't know what people assume, actually, that's I just know what's happens in LA, in my friend group. But, you know, the reality is, you got to, you got to discuss these things, you got to lay these things out beforehand. So you have correct expectations, or all shit goes wrong.
Another big one, which is one, you know, well, I won't go into too many specifics, but you know, not agreeing on financial goals, right? If one partner wants to become rich, like, you know, like, super rich, and the other partners like, Oh, I'm just chill, you know, with like, a nice life, you know, living in a, you know, suburban, 4000 square foot house going on a trip every quarter, you know, stuff like that, that can be a problem, because then, you know, one partner is working a ton, it's always working more and trying to save money and then the other partner is saying, we're fine. Please take your foot off the gas, you know, like, you know, let's, let's enjoy life, let's spend on this and that, and this is why buying investment property when we can just, you know, buy you worthless, depreciating asset, because it looks cool, you know, so you got to agree on your financial goals. So you got to bring it, it's a conversation topic to have. So it doesn't, you know, it doesn't breed resentment over time in the relationship.
Problem number seven is micromanaging spending. And, you know, going through your partner's transactions on their credit card, you know, which something that, you know, I'm guilty of, and, you know, I was guilty of in my current relationship was, you know, it's bad, you know, it's bad, you know, you need to, you know, and if the other person's overspending or under or whatever, you know, you, you need to be able to operate, you need to have that discussion separately than always just micromanaging each sort of specific thing and like pointing that out, and I'll leave it at that.
Okay, marriage Mistake number eight. Now, this was a controversial one, you know, you can unsubscribe from me happily, if you know, you can't even listen to my opinions. But having a wedding in general is stupid, you know, I'd say have a party. I don't know many men who really enjoyed the wedding planning or the wedding process. You know, I think getting people together is great. But I think spending, you know, $50,000, even $20,000 on a wedding, you know, in my opinion is just a waste of money. It's not even a depreciating asset, you know, like, yeah, it's but the pictures are an investment. You know, I've never seen a wedding become a benefit to any of the relationships I've seen. Now keep in mind, take it with a grain of salt. I'm also in California, the divorce rate is 75%. Crazy, right? But I don't see a wedding. You have to even factor that in if you're having a wedding and all the pictures are, you know, it's like well, 75% of people, you know, but the point is, I don't see it as a good investment. I think it's a horrible financial decision. I think a party you know, just have an open bar and bring it get a bunch of pizza or some fine dining gets music DJ is a much better marriage.
Mistake number nine is combining finances too soon. I don't have too much experience about this one. But what I would say is that generally, you know, it depends on everybody's unique situation. It depends on, you know, your investment accounts and this and that and the whatever. You know, how complicated is when I got married my first time my finances were extremely simple. You know, I had like, a bank account and a invest, you know, I was young, you know, a bank account and, you know, wealth manager manage my assets, you know, that was really it, I definitely say keeping things somewhat separated is a good thing, I think everybody should understand money management from a, you know, financials perspective, if you're spending money should understand how to manage it as well and I don't think you get that as much if it's fully combined.
Mistake number 10 is just not saving now, you know, I grew up, you know, my parents were from the Midwest, you know, as savings, like, super important, I grew up around a bunch of Jewish people in LA, and, you know, savings always been kind of part of my internal culture, you know, it's just like, save, save, save, you know, the purpose of money is for saving, not spending, you don't get rich by spending money, you get rich by saving money, right, it's obvious. But in general, I think, you know, everybody has different lifestyle goals, and, you know, like, whatever helped the elephants and whatnot, but the reality is, is that, you know, accidents happen unforeseen things, Black Swans and whatnot are going to happen. And you're going to have serious serious serious issues, if you don't have reserves saved for save for these rainy day events, you get in a car accident, you, you know, you have to move somewhere, because somebody got a new job, you have to put money down on, you want to start a business, you know, any of these things you should save to allow yourself options and opportunity in life. And if you don't, it's just going to create tension. At the end of the day, it's like, you know, I had my knee, all the cartilage wore down, and, you know, if you don't have any, like cartilage of that fatty tissue, it just creates more problems, create swelling, it creates aches and all that stuff. So if you don't have savings, a buffer zone, a rainy day fund, you know, that's just there, you know, it's going to create tensions and problems, and you can overcome all of those by not spending money.
Talking about not spending money, mistake number 11 is not having budgets, you know, having each partner having some sort of budget where they're, you know, living their general life by is good. And, you know, that was actually, you know, having a budget was my solution to, you know, the micromanaging of spending, you know, in my case.
Mistake number 12 is not having monthly relationship check-ins, now, what, every month, I go on a date with my wife, and we check in how each person is feeling about different issues, and, you know, everything emotional, you know, little issues, big issues, you know, we you know, and what I tried to do is anything, you know, instead of coming home and being like, why is all dirty over there? Why does it smell like poop? Oh, the dog pooped over there again, or whatever, you know, it's, it's been able to bring those subjects up, you know, of course, if you come home and you just are like, smells like crap in here again, honey did the new puppy I bought, she'll you know, poop in the house again, you know, of course, that's going to create tension, because the first thing you're saying, When you enter the door is talking about, you know, like a shortcoming of your partner. You know, it's awful, right, so Tabeling those discussions for more of a month, you know, like a monthly check, it is much better, and it lowers that emotion, because, you know, if, you know, if I come home, and I smell poop from the new puppy, right? It's like, well, no, it's like, it's like, a bad feeling. And then I'm trying, I'm unconsciously or subconsciously transferring that feeling over to, you know, said person, you know, that's awful. And you, you know, a lot of relationships, get in a, get in this emotional just like, you know, transfer a motion transfer, motion back transfer, you know, and that's not good. So, instead of being able to just breathe, and write it down, maybe somewhere, whatever you need to do, or just remember it, and table it for discussion later that month, like, oh, you know, hey, you know, you know, maybe it's hard, right? You hate smelling poop every time when you come into the house. But, uh, you know, that's good. Because, you know, after three weeks, you know, then you can say, hey, I think we should get a trainer like, is there anything we can do about this? It allows you to make much more calm and collected decisions.
And here's the last one not having regular date nights, you know, and I've been guilty of this too, just, you know, after get married, falling into that pattern of just like, Okay, we're married, like work, work, work, you know, God, you know, do your normal thing. Instead of being in that place where you're constantly learning, you're still courting that person. You're still telling them how beautiful there is, you're still treating your wife like you're dating her and that's why I call it a date night. because, you know, and what we do now is I'd say we don't do it every single week, but probably at least every other week is we're going on date nights, but taking that time to put on cologne and you know, wear that, you know, wear that jacket she thinks or he thinks is handsome or pretty, you know, taking that flirtatiousness and that, you know, sexual energy allowing that to still be present in the relationship is important. Let me know if you found any of these interesting or enjoyable or what your thoughts were. This is a little bit of a different video from what I normally do. It's kind of personal. But I'm sure you picked up on a lot of stuff, but hopefully enjoyed it.
Q: What is the first mistake to avoid when getting married according to John Crestani?
A: Avoiding the money talk, specifically discussing financial goals, income goals, and wealth goals with your partner.
Q: What mistake should be avoided during heated arguments about finances in a marriage?
A: Avoid arguing when in an emotional state; cool off and revisit the discussion in a rational, calm place.
Q: What harmful effect does keeping financial secrets have on a marriage?
A: Keeping financial secrets can lead to problems down the road and create tension in the relationship.
Q: Why does John Crestani emphasize the importance of physical intimacy in marriage?
A: John Crestani believes that physical intimacy is a key aspect of marriage and a reason why people get married, stressing the obligation to have sex regularly.
Q: What does John Crestani recommend regarding family planning aspects in marriage?
A: It is essential to agree on the number of kids, roles in parenting, and other family planning aspects to avoid disagreements in the future.
Q: Why is it crucial to align financial goals in a marriage according to John Crestani?
A: Agreeing on financial goals is important to prevent resentment and ensure both partners are on the same page regarding their financial aspirations.
Q: What is the harmful effect of micromanaging finances in a marriage?
A: Micromanaging spending can lead to tension and conflicts between partners instead of healthy financial discussions.
Q: What is John Crestani's controversial opinion about extravagant weddings in marriage?
A: He believes that having a simple party instead of an extravagant wedding is a better financial decision, considering the divorce rate and lack of investment in relationships through weddings.
Q: What caution does John Crestani give regarding merging finances too quickly in a marriage?
A: He advises against combining finances too soon, suggesting that maintaining some financial independence can be beneficial for both partners.
Q: Why does John Crestani stress the necessity of saving in a marriage?
A: Saving is essential to deal with unforeseen events, emergencies, and to avoid financial tension and problems in a marriage.
Q: What is John Crestani's advice regarding implementing budgets in a marriage?
A: He recommends having budgets for each partner as a way to manage spending and avoid micromanaging financial transactions.
Q: Why does John Crestani highlight the importance of regular relationship check-ins in a marriage?
A: Regular relationship check-ins help to address issues, concerns, and emotions in a calm and collected manner without creating tension in the relationship.
Q: What significance does maintaining romance through regular date nights have in a marriage according to John Crestani?
A: Having regular date nights helps to keep the relationship fresh, maintain romance, and continue courting your partner even after getting married.
